Please Stay

Thoughts on World Suicide Prevention Day

This post is written in honor of World Suicide Prevention Day and includes mention of suicide and suicidal thoughts. If you need immediate help, call or text 988.

Five Septembers ago, I had to admit to my husband that life was unbearable and I had a plan to take my own life. I didn’t even want to tell him; I only did so because my therapist told me I couldn’t leave his office until we got me somewhere safe. Telling the person I loved most in the world that I wanted to die is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I wanted him to understand I didn’t want to leave because of him. It was only because of him that I was trying so hard to stay. In my twisted logic, his life would be better if I weren’t in it. Of course, he vehemently disagreed with that sentiment and only wanted me to do what I needed to do to get better. He picked me up and took me home to pack a bag, and he drove me to Memphis and waited with me for the many hours it took to get me admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

That first time in the hospital ended up being one of four inpatient visits I would have over the course of 3 years. It seemed that I would never be free of the suicidal thoughts and the feeling of despair that plagued me day after day. I remember telling a friend, “If I just knew when this would all end, I could bear it. I need to know there’s an end.” But there was no magic crystal ball telling me when this trial would expire, or if it even would.

I spent many days during those years wishing I were dead. I made plans to make it happen. The darkness convinced me that everything would be better if I didn’t exist. It is only by the grace of God and with the help of therapy and medication and emergency intervention that I am still here. Slowly (so very, very slowly!) the darkness began to lift. Hope bloomed in my heart. Getting out of bed became less of an impossibility. I marveled at the sheer joy that merely existing gave me. My trial didn’t end when I wanted it to, but God was with me through all of it, and if I end up in the depths again, I know I’ll find Him there too.

It has been two years now since I have had any suicidal thoughts, and while I praise God for the freedom He has granted me, I know that there are so many people right this moment fighting the lie that they don’t matter. fighting thoughts that never seem to let up. They think things will never change, that they will always feel this way, that there is no way out except through death. If that is you, I am here to say that there is hope and help. You are loved more than you can even comprehend. Don’t be afraid to speak your thoughts out loud. The people in your life would rather hear your suicidal thoughts than attend your funeral. Depression lies. Don’t spend another minute thinking you are alone.

Please stay. We need you here. You are not alone.