Don't Wait To Be Thankful

There's no time like the present.

I have never been an especially grateful person. But I guess many of us really aren’t. That’s why as small children we have to be prompted to say thank you or write thank you cards when someone gives us a gift. The greeting card companies even invented days devoted to celebrating our loved ones because they knew they could capitalize on the fact that as a society, we aren’t always quick to show appreciation¹. Even though I’m a Christian who is well aware of all that God has given to me and is also well aware of biblical commands to give thanks to God, I still neglect gratitude far too often.

It is particularly hard to be thankful when I’m in the middle of a difficult season. This seems rather obvious, but what isn’t so obvious is the fact that gratitude can often make a difficult season bearable, and sometimes even change it all together. A few years ago, my therapist at the time challenged me with a gratitude practice. She gave me one of those large sticky notes that you can post on a wall and told me to make a list of 100 things I’m thankful for. At first I looked at her like she was crazy. I was having trouble seeing any good at all; how could she expect me to come up with 100 good things? But then she said I didn’t have to do it all at once. She said, “Start with three things a day. You’ll be surprised how easily it comes after you get used to it.” I know she could see the skepticism on my face, but she just smiled and handed me my large sticky note and ended our session. That night when I got home, I stuck it on the wall and stared at it. My therapist might as well have asked me to climb the Empire State Building, so daunting did this simple task seem. But then I remembered something: everything is easier to write when you have a fun-colored pen to use². I grabbed all the colored pens and markers I could find, and I started my list. As much as I didn’t want her to be right (because I’m petty and stubborn like that), I soon discovered that my therapist was in fact right. The more I thought about things to be thankful for, the easier it became. Suddenly, I was looking for things everywhere, big and small: salvation, daily grace, funny text threads, Gilmore Girls, the sound of the rain hitting the window pane, the smell of books, waterfalls, my girls’ laughter. As the number of words on the paper increased, my outlook changed. All the things that had been weighing me down soon seemed to lose their hold on me. They were shrinking. Maybe climbing the Empire State Building was possible after all.

My list-in-progress.

I wish I could tell you that the experience of making a list of 100 things forever changed my life, but that would be a lie. After a while, the list came down off the wall, and everyday life resumed. The practice of looking for the simple pleasures became less frequent until it stopped altogether. And now here I am, several years later and several years older, and I am stuck in a pit.

Long-time readers of this blog know of my history with depression, but whereas before I shared much of my experience with mental illness—both in real life and online—this time I have mostly hidden myself away. I didn’t want to tell anyone I was depressed and suicidal, not even my husband. The truth is, I was ashamed. I had written so publicly about my depression and then about my recovery that deep down I thought that admitting I was struggling again would be admitting I was a failure as a person and as a Christian. I wouldn’t have said it out loud or even admitted it to myself, and I would never think such a thing about someone else who shared with me about their own depression. But if I am honest, I thought that because I had been faithful to the Lord and had done all of the “right” things in seeking treatment and support and had gone on to tell others about God’s goodness through it all, I would somehow be protected from having to go through such a terrible trial ever again. My spiritual muscles were strengthened, and my armor felt secure. Life would be easier, I assured myself.

Of course, we all know that’s not how life works. Past trials don’t protect us from future suffering. Having the right amount of faith doesn’t prevent suffering. Suffering is a part of life, and God’s people aren’t immune from it. I know I’m entitled to nothing, but I also know that God is good and does good³. However, in my darkest moments, that rock-solid assurance in God’s goodness and faithfulness was shaken, and the cracks in my foundation began to reveal themselves.

The past several weeks have been scary for me. I have wrestled with suicidal thoughts to an extent that I hadn’t in a long time, and the strength of them dismayed and discouraged and defeated me. I did the only things I knew to do: I kept my appointments with my therapist; I met with the nurse practitioner managing my meds; I read the Bible and prayed. My husband and I put in certain measures at home to keep me safe from my thoughts, and I turned to my faithful circle of friends for prayer. Deep down, I didn’t know if any of it would help. I’ve been here before, you see, and I barely survived. I didn’t know how long I could expect the Lord to keep sustaining me when my mind was working so hard against me. What if I got tired of fighting? Would he stay my hand when I reached a moment of desperation?

A few weeks ago, at the suggestion of my therapist (have I mentioned that I highly recommend therapy?), I asked one of my dear friends to be an accountability partner for me. I needed someone to ask me hard questions and be okay with my honest answers. We talk one night a week, and tonight she asked me if I’d had any suicidal thoughts this past week. I only paused briefly before saying, “It’s actually been three days since I’ve had any.” I wish I could effectively communicate the significance of this, but after weeks and weeks of daily suicidal thoughts, to go THREE DAYS without any felt like a miracle, a miracle at first I was too afraid to say out loud. Until my friend asked me the question, I hadn’t even told anyone. Even though I would scoff and say I don’t believe in jinxes, my actions say otherwise. I thought saying it out loud would jinx everything and immediately bring all the thoughts back, as if my words have such power.

I only know one Person whose words have the power to change everything, and yet I have been doubting him for months.

Why am I so hesitant to give thanks for something good like this? Am I afraid that if I praise God for it now and tomorrow the thoughts return, it didn’t mean anything? Am I afraid that if I praise God for it now and the thoughts return tomorrow, people will doubt that it was ever true? Or am I afraid that if I praise God for it now and tomorrow the thoughts return, it’s because I did something wrong—didn’t believe enough or pray hard enough? Deep down, am I fearful and arrogant enough to think I can somehow undo his goodness?

I’m done waiting to be thankful. Today I give God praise that the dark thoughts have been absent. Even if they return tomorrow, that doesn’t erase the fact that I’ve had three days without them, and it doesn’t erase the fact that God heard my prayers and the prayers of those who love me. Tomorrow’s troubles don’t negate today’s blessings, and nothing can take away God’s goodness. I can say with the psalmist, “Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!⁴” Come rain or shine, sorrow or joy, He will be good.

For that, I can always be thankful.

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What about you? Tell me something you’re thankful for!

1. Please hear me say that buying your loved one a card once a year isn’t an adequate display of love and affection.

2. Seriously. Try it.

3. Psalm 119:68 ESV

4. Psalm 107:1 ESV